I'm about to leave to go meet my oldest son to talk to him about the status of our relationship.  He has no idea that this is why I asked him to meet with me.  All I told him was I really needed to have some time with him.  I'm feeling very nervous and anxious.  I'm somewhat fearful that expressing my feelings and pointing out his behavior will make things worse...But I can't continue with the way things are...feeling that he doesn't care if I'm part of his life....I need him to know and understand that his actions or more appropriately lack of actions, is very hurtful to me.   Anyway its a long story...I'll explain more after I get back.  I hope things go well and I don't get too emotional or become angry cuz I'm hurting.

My dad and I are going on an archeological  tour tomorrow for my birthday.  Don't remember what or where it is exactly but I do love archeology. Being that its in Israel it has some biblical component...supposedly this site is the greatest discovery in the last 50 years.  I hope I'll be able to take some good pictures...I think I should probably take some notes too so I remember what the pictures are of.  The last time I did one of these I had a whole bunch of picture but had no clue what they were exactly so it looked like a bunch of stone walls and stuff.  Anyway I'm pretty excited and just hope it won't be too hot....but I'm not counting on it.  It's getting late and I';m getting tired...gotta get yp early so its off to bed for me.

As much as I want to make friends and "get a life" here in Israel it scares me to do so. I get quite anxious going places where I don't know what to expect. Take tonight for example I made plans with a "friend" I met at AA to got to an Art and Music Festival....maybe some other people are going to but I won't know till I get there.  Here's what's worrying me. If other people come I will probably feel like a tag along since I don't know them. And if other people come what will happen if they break off into groups to see/do different things? What if I'm not enjoying myself... I don't know where it is, all I know is that its about a 20 min. walk from her house and it takes me about 15-20 walk to her place.  Since I don't know the area very well...just moved here I'm afraid I might get lost if I were to leave before them.  So even if I'm uncomfortable or not having a good time, I will have to wait till they leave.  I'm trying not to be pessimistic but its hard to get these things out of my head.  I almost don't want to go but I'm going to anyway.  I know that I'll never make friends and get out of this rut I'm in if I don't take risks.
On a positive note...I was invited... not one of those "a bunch of us are going and you can come if you want" situations. Which has often been my experience especially in AA. I do feel like she is reaching out to me...helping me to meet new people. I  feel a bit funny though because she's only 24 (same age as my oldest son) and its like she's taking me under her wing.

I have an appointment tomorrow at 4pm with the organization to help me fill out the disability forms.  After talking with my father about the problem with the charge on my visa/ bank card he told me it probablyt wasn't one visa charge but a combination for all the charges that month.  The banking system here is a bit strange, you get two statements one from the visa company and another from the bank.  They put all of you visa/bank card purchases together as one debit once a month so you have to look at the visa statement to see what the actual charges were.  I never made more than one purchase a month on the card before so I didn't know.  So lucky I still had that statement  (surprized that I actually knew where it was after moving) and he was right.  Good nthing he's lived here for 20 years and know about these things. I'm glad that I don't have to try and figure out that phone menu after all.
I didn't go to the park to take pictures this afternoon (at least not yet) its way to hot out to walk.  If I don't go this evening maybe I'll go on my way back from the appointment tomorrow...I have to pass right near the park anyway.

Long post ahead.

The laundry/storage room is off of my room.  Even though I told my mother that she shouldn't come in till after 8am she woke me up this morning at about 7:15  when went back there ...at least she didn't do laundry. I really need to talk to her about respecting my needs. I think 8am is a reasonable time.  Anyway I try to go back to sleep to no avail. It was about 10:30 when I finished watching Doctor Who S04E09 Forrest of the Dead (I love that episode). I was still tired so I decided to take a nap but again to no avail.  My mind was racing with all the things I need accomplish so I can move out into an apartment of my own and "get a life" of my own.

 My biggest problem is money.  When I decided to move here flat prices were cheaper...or least I thought so. It looks like the only way I'm gonna get my own place is to have a flatmate.  That's worrying me alot.  I've never lived with anyone I didn't know.  The problem is finding someone.  I'd prefer to find someone first and them look for places rather than moving into someone elses flat.  Even though there is a site online (Janglo) to look for flats and post for flatmates and I'm sure there are other sites. I really can't do much until I know how much money I'll have to work with. But maybe I should just look anyway there might be someone who's looking for something in the fall/winter and get a general idea what's out there.  Maybe there are some really small studio like places.

I did get a few preparatory things done in the last week or so.  .Last week I applied for unemployment...as a new citizen you get a very small stipend for the first 6 months.  After that you're entitled to get unemployment for the rest of the first year...unfortunately I thought you had to wait till the 8th month so now I'll only get it for 4 months. Its not alot about the equivalent to $300 a month but every bit helps.

I also picked up the application for disability and contacted an organization that helps with filling out forms and stuff...the application is all in Hebrew and mine sucks.  They will call me back this week to set up an appointment.  I had asked a lawyer friend back in the States to request all of my medical records so I'd have them for the application but they said I have to send them a letter so I took care of that as well.  Now I have to email my friend to ask him to call the doctors office and tell them I want the stuff sent express or the fastest they have.  I  can't get disability untill I've been here a year but I've been told its best to get your application in ahead of time since it takes quite some time to get approved...I hope I won't have too many problems with approval. I also finally sent in a change of address form for my disabilty from the States. 

I still have to go to the American Consulate or Embassy to get a change of address for my US bank notarized.  Thats gonna be a pain in the next cause they're not easy to get to and are in an Arab area...where I don't know my way around.  I really can't afford to procratinate on that any longer.  I get my disabilty from the States direct deposit and my Visa bank cards gonna exspire in the next few months.  I can't decide if I should change it to my address here (they may not want to send the card overseas) or to use my brother's (who's in Florida) address and have him mail me the card when it comes.

I also found out that there was a charge on my bank card for about $150 that I don't remember making.  I tried to call them but the whole menue is in Hebrew or I can get Russian and no matter how many buttons I press I can't get a live person, so I have to find someone to walk me through the menue and then hope I can get someone who speaks English.  I really hopw that in time my Hebrew will get good enough to do these kind of things but I'm not counting on it...most people my age don't really become fluent.

I decided that I need to get out of the apartment at least every other day.  Even if its just by myself...which it probably will be since the few people I do know work.  I jsut remembered a little park I went to when I was visiting last year that I can go to to take pictures so I think I might do that today or tomorrow.  

I feel a little better about having written this all out instead of just keeping it running around my brain.

Just got back from seeing my new psychiatrist.  It was an emotional visit.  Since she's needs to get to know me, I had to tell her about myself and what my life's been like.  In general I hate talking about myself so this was extremely difficult. I hate switching doctors but my moving to Israel made it necessary. I found myself crying quite a bit., I guess some emotional pain just never goes away and there's nothing I can do to change the past. Memories generally cause an emotional reaction  in my case most of them have alot of sadness, aloneness and pain associated.  Thinking and sharing about my past just made me realize that not much has changed over the years.  That's not to say there haven't been times in my life when things were better.  It just that after awhile I seem to end up in the same boat...alone, looking for and hoping to "get a life". In retrospect I think that maybe my moving to Israel might have been a mistake.  Its hard enough for me to make "real" friends and now I have a whole new country and language to deal with. But who knows if my life would have been any better if I had stayed put.  Its not like I had any "real" friends in my life.  I guess right now my aloneness feels worse cuz I have to work that much harder to get connected to people. Living with my parents on the one hand is good in that I'm not completely alone but on the other hand it allows me to stay stuck because I'm not completlely alone (if that makes any sense). I'm gonna be 46 next month I really do need to "get a life"  and move out of my parents..I just wish I could afford a place.

I have to come up with a plan of action.  I've been thining about calling an aquaintance from AA (who I only spoke to once or twice since I moved here) to see if she wants to get together.  I hardly  know her but I thought it might be worth the risk to try and make a friend. (that's if we have more in common than AA). Whats the worst that can happen?  She might think I'm nuts for calling and say no.  Its just so hard to make these kind of calls.  That's it I'm gonna do it right now. Well I did it, I called her but I had to leave a message.  I hate leaving messages for 2 reasons: 1. when I call I'm prepared to talk and have an idea what I'm going to say but when they call me back its unexpected and I tend to fumble over my words.  If I don't answer when they call I risk playing phone tag and may eventually have to answer when my call is returned.  2. Many people don't listen to their messages or not that often so I never know if I should call them back and how long should I wait.I don't want to sound like I'm desperate (which in some ways I am) or be a nag. Even though I had to leave a message, I feel like I accomplished something.  It may not turn out the way I would like it to but at least I made the effort and took a risk.

Is there a rule of thumb to how long one waits to call again?



Anyway back to the doctor.  As I was talking with her I realized that most of my life the majority of my feelings have been the negative ones.  So much pain, sadness, frustration, anger and anxiety.Either that or no feelings.  I cna't remember the last time I felt happy nor excited.  Wait that's not true. Thinking about it now I remember that when I used to play in a pool (billards) league I was happy when I won and thrilled when we got into the finals. I guess a good excersise for me would be too think back over my life and look for the good and postive memories...the fun times.

I'm now sitting in the central bus station's food court waiting to go the mall.  The movers were just about finished loading up when mom & I left. Today is gonna be a long day and I'm not looking forward to it.   Mom can't do alot of walking so we'll be sitting in the food court a good part of the day. I don't enjoy malls in general and hanging out in food courts is my least favorite.

Things here are quite hectic...today's the day we have to finish packing cuz tonight and tomorrow is the Sabbath.  But my parents are leaving so much stuff for last minute packing after the Sabbath is over which is like 9pm.  Just another thing that make me think they're nuts.  The yard sale actually went well, a lot better than I expected.  We sold all the furniture...there are a few pieces that still have to be picked up today. I also sold just about everything I  got from my brother before he moved back to the States in Jan. The neighbor boys came back yesterday and today to schlep all the left over stuff and tons of other garbage.  My father screwed up and let them throw away a box with a crock pot I was keeping so I had to go to the garbage and find it....what a mess...good thing it was close to the top.

My mother was cranky all day yesterday and today she's just bitchy...she's being a pain.  It seems like we can't do anything right..why are you keeping this? why are you getting rid of that?  I guess some of that can be expected when 3 people are trying to pack and each has different ideas how things should be. Now my father is wasting his time helping someone who came to pick up furniture...the guy showed up with his wife expecting to move heavy stuff.

I'm sure as hell not looking forward to unpacking. There's gonna be hardly any room to unpack let alone place to put things.  I so wish I wasn't moving with them or at least not going to be involved in the unpacking process. Its gonna be a horror and no I'm not being pessimistic I'm being realistic.  I guess I should do like purple_hazed told me to do and accept that this whole process is gonna be stressful. . In AA there is a saying "Acceptance is the key to all my problems today" but for some  reason I have a really hard time with that when it comes to stressful situations. It's like I keep fighting it trying to make it go away, which in my head somewhere I know it only makes it worse.